Funny and Thats How the Fight Started Quotes
You know how the saying goes: Laughter is the best medicine. And there'due south and so much truth to that old adage. If you're having a bad 24-hour interval, or if someone you lot love needs a little auspicious up, humor can help ease the tension and create a footling pocket of joy amid life's stresses.
This collection of funny quotes provides an assortment of ways to trigger that smile and turn around someone's lousy mood. (Even if that someone is you!) We've got funny quotes well-nigh love, marriage, crumbling, parenting, and so many more relatable topics. Grab your favorites for greeting cards, social media captions, or even but to print and hang above your desk to serve as a niggling reminder that life's non that serious — and nosotros're all much ameliorate off laughing then we don't cry!
These funny quotes come up from famous comedians similar Betty White, Joan Rivers, Lucille Brawl, and Phyllis Diller. You'll also detect laugh-out-loud quotes from your favorite timeless sitcoms like The Office, and funny-just-oh-and then-wise movies like Steel Magnolias. So enjoy our list and bookmark it to come up back to someday you lot need a express joy.
Looking for more inspiration? Check out these poignant quotes for women and inspirational quotes nearly life.
Funny Quotes Virtually Life
i. "Life is short. Drive fast and leave a sexy corpse. That'south i of my mottos."
—Stanley Hudson, The Function
2. "At that place is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to encounter it."
―Mindy Kaling
3. "I e'er melt with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food."
—W.C. Fields
4. "People say money is not the key to happiness, just I have ever figured if you have enough money, you tin can take a primal made."
—Joan Rivers
5. "Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of information technology live."
—Elbert Hubbard
6. "I more often than not avoid temptation unless I can't resist it."
―Mae Due west
7. "Sometimes you lie in bed at night and yous don't take a unmarried affair to worry about. That always worries me!"
—Charlie Chocolate-brown
8. "The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is truthful."
—James Branch Cabell
nine. "I'm killing time while I await for life to shower me with meaning and happiness."
―Bill Watterson
ten. "You only alive once, just if you practice it right, one time is enough."
―Mae West
11. "If at first you don't succeed, endeavor, effort again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about information technology."
―W.C. Fields
12. "I honey mankind... it'due south people I can't stand up!!"
― Charles M. Schulz
13. "I recollect God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability."
―Oscar Wilde
xiv. "Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy. Both. I want people to be agape of how much they love me."
—Michael Scott, The Office
xv. "Two things are space: the universe and homo stupidity. And I'm not sure about the universe."
―Albert Einstein
16. "When life gives you lemons, eject someone in the eye."
―Cathy Guisewite
17. "Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome."
―Isaac Asimov
18. "When I was growing up I always wanted to be someone. Now I realize I should take been more specific."
—Lily Tomlin
nineteen. "I accept a lot of growing upward to practice. I realized that the other day inside my fort."
—Zach Galifianakis
20. "I just want to lie on the beach and eat hot dogs. That's all I've e'er wanted."
—Kevin Malone, The Office
21. "Whenever I'm about to practise something, I think, 'Would an idiot practise that?' And if they would, I practise not practice that thing."
—Dwight Schrute, The Office
22. "Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the twenty-four hours subsequently tomorrow but as well."
—Mark Twain
23. "I'one thousand not crazy — I've but been in a very bad mood for forty years."
—Ouiser Boudreaux, Steel Magnolias
Funny Quotes for Friends
24. "Well, you lot know what they say: If you don't have annihilation nice to say almost everyone, come sit by me."
—Clairee Belcher, Steel Magnolias
25. "A adult female is like a tea bag: You lot tin't tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water."
—Eleanor Roosevelt
26. "Lots of people desire to ride with you lot in the limo, but what yous want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down."
—Oprah Winfrey
27. "Whatever women do they must do twice likewise every bit men to be thought one-half every bit good. Luckily, this is not difficult."
—Charlotte Whitton
28. "I beverage to make other people more than interesting."
—Ernest Hemingway
29. "Wine is constant proof that God loves united states and loves to see us happy."
—Benjamin Franklin
30. "When yous're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail yous out. A all-time friend will exist in the cell next to you proverb, 'Damn, that was fun.'"
―Groucho Marx
31. "I'chiliad not offended by blonde jokes because I know I'm not impaired. And I likewise know that I'm not blonde."
—Dolly Parton
32. "I similar my money where I tin can run across information technology: hanging in my closet."
—Carrie Bradshaw, Sex and the City
33. "Crying is for plain women. Pretty women go shopping."
—Blanche Devereaux, The Golden Girls
34. "The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some class of mental illness. Think of your three all-time friends. If they're OK, and so information technology'south you." —Rita Mae Brown
35. "My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me."
—Garry Shandling
36. "People waste matter their time pondering whether a drinking glass is half empty or half full. Me, I but drink whatever'southward in the glass."
—Sophia Petrillo, The Golden Girls
37. "I don't care what they say most me. I just want to consume."
—Pam Beesly, The Office
38. "Don't waste so much fourth dimension thinking nigh how much you weigh. At that place is no more than heed-numbing, boring, idiotic, self-destructive diversion from the fun of living."
—Meryl Streep
39. "Even I don't wake upwardly looking similar Cindy Crawford."
—Cindy Crawford
xl. "I don't trust anyone who does their ain hair. I don't retrieve it'south natural."
—Truvy Jones, Steel Magnolias
Funny Quotes Nearly Aging
41. "The hush-hush of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age."
—Lucille Ball
42. "Honey, time marches on and eventually y'all realize it is marchin' across your face up."
—Truvy Jones, Steel Magnolias
43. "Y'all know you've reached middle age when y'all're cautioned to irksome down by your doctor, instead of by the police."
—Joan Rivers
44. "People say, 'How yous stay looking so young?' I say, well, good lighting, practiced doctors, and expert makeup."
—Dolly Parton
45. "Look, yous didn't ask me for my opinion, but I'm quondam, so I'm giving information technology anyhow."
—Sophia Petrillo, The Gold Girls
46. "No thing how bad things get, remember these sage words: You lot're old, yous sag, get over it."
—Sophia Petrillo, The Gold Girls
47. "You know you're getting one-time when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you lot could exercise while you're down at that place." —George Burns
48. "Age is something that doesn't matter unless you are a cheese."
—Luis Buñuel
49. "As y'all get older, three things happen. The kickoff is your memory goes, and I can't recollect the other 2."
—Sir Norman Wisdom
Funny Quotes Most Marriage
fifty. "Before yous marry a person, you should start make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are."
—Will Ferrell
51. "Women marry men hoping they volition change. Men marry women hoping they volition not. So each is inevitably disappointed."
—Albert Einstein
52. "I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to practice and then much of it?"
—Jean Illsley Clarke
53. "Love is blind just marriage is a real eye-opener."
—Pauline Thomason
54. "Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight."
―Phyllis Diller
55. "The secret to a long wedlock is to stay gone."
—Dolly Parton
56. "The all-time fashion to become most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it."
—Shirley MacLaine
57. "Every bit a man in a human relationship, you accept a unproblematic choice. Yous tin either be correct, or you can be happy."
—Ralphie May
58. "Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes."
—Jim Carrey
Brusk Funny Quotes
59. "The only thing worse than being talked most is not being talked about."
—Oscar Wilde
60. "The older you go, the ameliorate you go. Unless you're a banana."
—Betty White
61. "If yous tin can't exist kind, at least be vague."
—Judith Martin
62. "Anybody who tells y'all coin can't buy happiness never had whatsoever."
—Samuel Fifty. Jackson
63. "Reality continues to ruin my life."
―Pecker Watterson
64. "Don't be so humble — you are non that nifty."
―Golda Meir
65. "Never miss a skilful chance to close up."
―Will Rogers
66. "I've had great success being a full idiot. "
―Jerry Lewis
67. "Do things that brand you happy inside the confines of the legal system."
―Ellen DeGeneres
68. "Get to heaven for the climate, hell for the company."
—Marking Twain
69. "Instant gratification takes too long."
—Carrie Fisher
70. "Don't get around saying the globe owes you a living. The globe owes you nothing. It was hither showtime."
—Mark Twain
71. "My tastes are unproblematic: I am easily satisfied with the best."
―Winston Southward. Churchill
72. "All the things I like to practise are either immoral, illegal, or fattening."
—Alexander Woollcott
73. "Whoever established the loftier road and how high it should be should be fired."
—Sandra Bullock
Clever Quotes and Sayings
74. "Be wise, because the world needs wisdom. If yous cannot be wise, pretend to be someone who is wise, and then merely conduct similar they would."
—Neil Gaiman
75. "Follow your passion, stay truthful to yourself, never follow someone else'due south path unless y'all're in the woods and you lot're lost and you lot meet a path then by all means you should follow that."
—Ellen DeGeneres
76. "People who recall they know everything are a great annoyance to those of u.s. who practise."
—Isaac Asimov
77. "A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is every bit nasty as himself, and hates them for it."
―George Bernard Shaw
78. "Money can't buy yous happiness, just it tin can buy you a yacht large enough to pull upwards right alongside it."
—David Lee Roth
79. "The lord gave us two ends: One to sit on and the other to remember with. Success depends on which one we use the most."
—Ann Landers
Funny Quotes About Parenting
80. "When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out."
—Erma Bombeck
81. "I want my children to take all the things I couldn't afford. So I want to move in with them."
—Phyllis Diller
82. "Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is similar shoveling the walk earlier it stops snowing."
—Phyllis Diller
83. "It is non easy beingness a mother. If it were piece of cake, fathers would do information technology."
—Dorothy Zbornak, The Golden Girls
84. "Adults are always request children what they want to exist when they abound up because they're looking for ideas."
—Paula Poundstone
85. "If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough fourth dimension with them."
—Reese Witherspoon
86. "There is no such matter equally fun for the whole family." —Jerry Seinfeld
87. "Everybody wants to save the earth. No one wants to assistance mom do the dishes."
—P.J. O'Rourke
Funny Quotes About Work
88. "Everything I have I owe to this chore... this stupid, wonderful, tiresome, astonishing job."
—Jim Halpert, The Office
89. "An function is a place to live life to the fullest, to the max. An office is a place where dreams come true."
—Michael Scott, The Part
90. "And then this is my life — until I win the lottery."
—Jim Halpert, The Office
91. "The all-time way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one."
—Oscar Wilde
92. "Housework can't kill you, but why take the chance?"
—Phyllis Diller
93. "I hate housework. You make the beds, you wash the dishes and six months subsequently yous have to outset all over once more."
—Joan Rivers
94. "I like work. It fascinates me. I can sit down and look at it for hours."
―Jerome 1000. Jerome
95. "I e'er arrive late at the office, but I brand upward for it by leaving early."
―Charles Lamb
96. "Housekeeping is like being caught in a revolving door."
—Marcelene Cox
97. "The simply thing that ever sat its way to success was a hen."
—Sarah Brown
98. "You lot can't have a million-dollar dream with a minimum-wage worth ethic."
—Zig Ziglar
99. "All y'all demand in this life is ignorance and conviction — and so success is sure."
—Mark Twain
100. "Even if you are on the right runway, you lot will become run over if you just sit down in that location."
—Will Rogers
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